The Boob in the Bra Section

I am not a shopper. I do it when I have to and I do it quickly. I like to get in and out.

Today, there was a need. I was down to two bras both of which were thread barren. As much as I hate to shop, I especially hate to shop for bras. Bra shopping sucks because you can’t buy one bra one size and another bra in the EXACT same size and expect it to fit. It doesn’t work like that. On top of that, they have to throw letters AND numbers into the mix. It’s like doing algebra in a dressing room. 34B + 44D = boy does this SUCK!

So, today, I finally broke down and did it. I went bra shopping. I didn’t have much time nor much patience so I just went to Fashion Bug in the big town of Indiana, PA. Whoohoo… kill me now.

Steven dropped me off and I went in, found 6 different bras all the same size as my current bra and headed to the dressing room. I love dressing room mirrors. What’s not to love? Where else can you get that up close and personal with your best features? NOT

I proceeded to try on all six bras. One had more padding then I have boob and I have plenty of boob. One bra had a lovely fabric that was constantly wrinkled – a lovely look. One gave the uni-boob look – a personal favorite. And two made me know what sausage stuffed in casing feels like. The last one, the one that fit and helped the sisters look like decent boobies (and not their true elongated selves) of course was the most expensive.

Again, remember, I hate to shop. So, once I find something that fits, I buy it – in multiples. There was a twist though. While I was in the dressing room I heard a lady trying on outfits in the room next door. She would try on an outfit and then go out seeking approval of her shopping mate. When I stepped out of the dressing room I found out that her shopping mate was her husband and he had plopped down onto a chair right outside of the dressing room – right in front of the ONLY section of bras that actually fit.

Perhaps it takes a real man to sit in the underwear section of Fashion Bug but in my opinion it takes a douche bag idiot not to realize how annoying that is. As I stood there looking stupefied, the sales associate approached and asked if she could help. I explained my dilemma in a whisper, “I need a few more of these bras and that “gentleman” is sitting right in front of them.” She was great and volunteered to look for some but in the middle got pulled away by another customer.

I decided that I would be tough and dive right in. I stood between the bras and his chair and guarantee my butt was only about 4 inches from his face. He asked, “Do you need me to move?” And, instead of saying what I really was thinking… “OF COURSE YOU FREAK – GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!”… I did the next best thing, “No, you’re fine.” UGGGGGG Who raised me to be such a push over? At that point, I was just so annoyed that he didn’t have enough common sense to just get up that I just kept looking, losing my embarrassment and held the gallon size boobie holders in various colors right in his face!

Sigh… many dollars later I left the store and met Steven who was where any normal man would be… waiting in his truck listening to sports radio!

There's Something about Mary!

Last night we had friends over for a swim and the kids had a blast. When they left my kids got out of the pool and started into the house. Our standard practice, given that we live in the sticks, is to have Gabe strip down and dry in the yard. We then throw his suit over the clothes line and go inside. I had already gone in the house and had started to do some work on my laptop when Grace came in crying. She was upset because Gabe was crying. You see, his pee-bug was stuck in his suit. What? I know. How is that possible? I continued to work assuming it was no big deal and then five minutes later realized Steven and Gabe were still working on the situation.

Gabe’s suit had the typical mesh liner. The trunks were a few years old but still seemed to fit. Unfortunately, what we didn’t know was there must have been a small hole in the mesh and the mesh part was apparently a little snug. His pee-bug skin was stuck in that hole and when I say stuck… I MEAN STUCK! Poor Gabe was freaking out. He was scared and in some amount of pain.

Of course I first thought of the iconic scene in “Something about Mary” when Ben Stiller’s character zipped his wiener up in his pants. I forced my laughter down as my poor guy was in quite a bit of distress.

Steven had cut much of the shorts away and Gabe was left with a patch still stuck. As I tried to calm his hysteria, he asked, “Momma has this ever happened to you?” (Seriously, how do you not laugh?) I said, “Well, I don’t have those same parts but I have had my finger caught in cloth before and was able to get it out.” I also told him about a movie I had watched where a guy had gotten his pickle caught in a zipper. Gabe asked, “Why didn’t they just unzip it?” I explained that they had tried but it didn’t work.

About an hour later… an hour filled with screaming and tears… we were able to get the mesh off of the pee-bug. Thankfully there was no damage and once it was removed, he was just fine. After he walked away and I knew he was ok, I laughed until I about cried!

Life with Gabe is never boring!